Excited like a kid again…

Do you remember when you were 10-ish how excited you’d get?  Not necessarily Christmas Eve excited (because that was so awesome it was almost unbearable) but when your parents caved and went to the restaurant you wanted to go to.  Or friends came over to play .  Or Saturday morning cartoons excited.

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Can you not feel that way as an adult?  How can you get that back?  I want to know!

I keep talking about wanting someone to invent a happy pill or an I-don’t-care pill.  (I’m a worrier and I struggle with not drowning when “shit” is happening.  I know it does no good and it just wreaks havoc on your body and yet…) 

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I’m grasping at happiness and tranquility, trying to look around at all the myriad of things that I have to be thankful for.  Taking the time for extra hugs and spoiling my kids (YES, I SAID SPOILING THEM…  so what?)

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Negativity has a way of creeping in, though – I can’t totally free myself from it yet.  Constantly thinking about my hair falling out because I’m picking hairs off of everything ALL DAY, EVERYDAY.  I’m getting very thin spots on top now – when it’s wet, you can easily see my scalp.  Have to be careful when I pull it back not to expose a thin spot.  And it’s still falling out by the handfuls everyday.  My attitude at this point about it is “Well screw it – there’s nothing anyone can do about it.  I’ll wear a hat or a wig if I need to.”

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What I have left has gotten curly too – just weird thyroid changes.  I’ve always wanted curly hair.  Mine has always been so straight – it wouldn’t even keep a perm.  Maybe it’ll grow back curly and I’ll be thankful for the whole experience… 

I also have a constant, nasty metallic taste in my mouth to constantly remind me that I have thyroid disease.  I’ve had it for 6 weeks or so – soon as I got back on synthetic thyroid, it started.  So that’s always there and dictating what I can eat and drink that might make it worse…  Don’t know when I can expect it to go away.  Truth is I should probably see an endocrinologist pretty soon. 

I am VERY, VERY THANKFUL for my massage and physical therapists!  Both great at what they do!  And because of their help, my muscles and body feel better than they have in years!

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We have some medical tests for Will coming up this week.  A couple more trips to Children’s Hospital.  Scott and I both believe that the spots that have shown up on Will’s imaging are injuries that happened when he was born.…  (He was an emergency c-section and spent his first days in newborn ICU.) 

We initially took Will to the doctor because he had a dizzy spell so intense that he nearly fell over and passed out.  (he was having little dizzy spells for a couple of weeks, which I thought were inner ear/seasonal allergy things – which they still could be.  But you have to look and make sure.)

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Scott got the results back from his eye exam and they’ve determined that they need to look at that further.  There may be some changes consistent with sarcoid.  So he needs an MRI of his head and a neurology consult.   (We just got done with a  heart study…  can we get a fucking break any time soon, please?)

“People have medical tests everyday and they’re fine.  The doctors have to look to rule out things that need to be treated.  YOU HAVE TO LOOK, TINA.”  That’s what I keep telling myself.  There’s nothing to stress about…

Honestly all this is also making me have a bit of a spirtual crisis too – and that can’t help anything.

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I hate that saying, “You only live once.”  Frankly because I’m not sure that it’s true…  AND  it makes me stress out more that I’m not doing enough.  Like I need that…

I asked Scott this week, “Do you ever get so disenchanted with things that the idea of the world ending isn’t so UNdesirable anymore?”  His response was, “No.”  To which I asked, “Do you ever get so disenchanted that you WISH the end would just come on and happen?” 

It has freed me up a little, thinking this way.  Things don’t feel quite as dreadful.

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